Fanboys Anonymous

Greetings, Fanboys and Fangirls! This is Sam Lascio, presenting some set photos and opinions on Michael Bay's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, coming next year!

Now, the first image I'd like to show you gives us an impression of the relative size of the turtles. Let's check it out:


First off, if this image is to be taken as truth, can I just say that the TURTLES ARE FUCKING HUGE! Granted, Megan Fox is about 5'4'', so you can gauge how tall that turtle should be, but look how wide he is. I know, the shell is a contributing factor, but just based on this image alone, the turtle (presumed to be Raphael) just doesn't look nimble enough to be a, well, ninja.

Now, there are two things I appreciate about the above image. The first one is April O'Neil. Notice anything about her? Well, she's wearing a yellow jacket! I see what you did there, Michael Bay. I appreciate this nod to the original 80s/90s cartoon. It would have been pretty silly if Megan Fox was dressed in exactly that outfit, but the jacket? As a TMNT fanboy, I love it, especially when, at one point, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles weren't teenagers, weren't mutants, weren't ninjas, and biologically speaking, weren't turtles. The whole kung-fu alien thing? No, bad Michael Bay! Bad!

Now, the second thing I like about this image is the nod to the 1990 movie. Too young to know what I'm talking about? Well, learn ya something!

Raphael looking like a BAMF in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990).

Now, although I do love the nod, you'll notice some differences. First, look how small the 1990 Raphael looks compared to the 2014 Raphael (well, again, what I'm assuming is Raphael). All right, so there isn't someone in the 1990 picture for a size comparison, but look at how wide they are compared with each other. 1990 Raph looks like he could be nimble, as a ninja warrior should be. 2014 Raph? Eh, I mean, it's just one still image, so I guess I can't judge too harshly, but I just don't see a ninja. I see a sumo wrestler.

The trench coat nod is awesome, and I like one more aspect about it: 2014 Raph, although he looks ridiculous and if you passed him on the street you'd stare like "Who the fuck is that?", you can't see anything. He's totally hidden underneath those glasses, the scarf, the hat, the coat, etc.

Last, but not least, some plot info! This last image gives us some details on the direction of the movie, as well as the Foot. Let's check it out!

Well, that's… disappointing. Is that supposed to be the Foot Clan? Eh, I liked the old costumes better. Maybe it's nostalgia setting in, or maybe the old costume makes more sense to me as an underground group of ninja thieves, but these guys don't seem very, what's the word… discreet? Not a fan of the change. My second point is, the Turtles are captured! Say whaaaat?? This tells me one thing about the movie: The Turtles pulled a Man of Steel and turned themselves in. I can't see all four Turtles fighting the Foot and losing. I guess it could happen, but I see the more likely cause of this image is that the Shredder kidnapped Splinter/April/someone, and the Turtles are sacrificing themselves. That could play out pretty interestingly for the film.

There has been some pretty dangerous news about the film, ranging from the original title, which was simply "Ninja Turtles," to the whole alien angle, and for me, the missing prosthetic costumes that made the Turtles seem more real. But based on the images I've displayed, I'd like to know what you guys think. Does this make you feel better about the film at all? Are you MORE afraid of what's to come, or are you pretty indifferent so far? Let us know in the comments below!

Thanks for reading, guys! My name is Sam Lascio, and I am a Fanboy!