Fanboys Anonymous

If you are as old as I am, you will remember the original Tomb Raider. And if you're as old as I am, you remember trying for hours to make Lara Croft topless in her mansion pool.

O, prepubescent curiosity. What lengths a young boy will go to see a pair of pointy 3D animated boobies...

When the first image of the new, gritty remake of Tomb Raider's Lara Croft was released, I was instantly excited and anticipated the game's release date. Lara now looked real. Not only real, but young and fragile, armed with only a bow and arrow. My curiosity for Lara Croft went from childhood perversity of wondering what her triangular breasts looked like, to wondering why she is not the bad ass woman heroin who we all knew and loved years ago.

The story begins with a young, inexperienced (giggity) Lara on a ship, searching with a team to find a lost, ancient city located on a distant, Asian island.  Then, disaster strikes. Their ship is split in half.  Lara and the crewmen are forced to swim to shore of the nearest island. Lara quickly learns that they are not alone when she is knocked unconscious. She wakes in a cave, hung upside down and wrapped in clothe. You must swing Lara to a nearby fire to light the clothe on fire in order to free her. Once free, Lara falls from a great height and lands onto some sort of metal spike on the ground which pierces right through her side. She takes hold of the metal spike and rips it clean out of her body. Everything turns white. Your vision blurs, throbs. You need to find your way out of here.

By now, my nipples are so erect. They actually tore through my t-shirt. They were so hard, I could hang my car keys from them.

As I move along through the cave, you can see Lara looking around, feeling the walls. The smallest things that Lara does on her own to interact with her surroundings makes the game feel that much more believable and realistic, aside from the game's incredible graphics and visuals.
Then, I come to a point in the cave where Lara has to crawl throw a small, narrow passage. As she enters, a man grabs her from behind and tries pulling her through. It seems as though the cave could collapse. I have to break away from this apparent enemy by moving the left joystick rapidly back and fourth. I failed and a giant boulder comes crashing down on Lara's body, trapping her. Then, another comes down, smashing her head into the ground.

My mouth dropped. That was such an unexpected brutal death scene. So, I assumed that there would be many, many more ways Lara could die. So every chance I got to make Lara die, I did. And there are A LOT of ways. A lot of BRUTAL, brutal ways. Here's a link for those of you who are curious. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmVvazuFQXY Aside from the game encouraging me to let Lara die...

Many people were calling the Tomb Raider remake an "Uncharted rip-off." I would have to disagree wholeheartedly. First of all, Tomb Raider came first. If anyone ripped off of anyone, Uncharted ripped off of Tomb Raider. Nathan Drake is the male version of Lara Croft. Second, Tomb Raider plays and feels completely different from Uncharted. It brings a lot more to the table that Uncharted never did. For instance, the open world map. But I can see where people are coming from.

The best way I can describe Tomb Raider is "Batman:  Arkham City meets Uncharted." You have the ability to obtain salvage points from breaking open boxes, looting enemies, and skinning animals that you can kill on the island. With these points, you're able to upgrade weapons and equipment (ei. fire arrows, rope arrows, climbing ax  shotgun, assault rifle, and handgun). You also obtain skill points to unlock different abilities in the three different skill trees; survivor, hunter, and brawler. There are campfires all around the island that you can use to fast travel, upgrade, or add skill points.

There are many side missions as well as the main quest. One of which is the tombs. The game wouldn't be called Tomb Raider if you weren't able to raid a tomb or two. The tombs are giant puzzles that you need to solve in order to find the treasure at the end. The puzzles are very fun and force you to use your brain in order to solve them.

The enemies you face are just like Lara and her crewmen. People who went in search of the same lost city and got shipwrecked and marooned on the island. But, unlike Lara and her friends, these men all seem to be a cult following an ancient religion like myth of the lost city. And yes, it's a sausage fest. I won't spoil why, but there are no women in this cult. You also have an animal threat, the wolves. Though, they're not as frequent as the human enemies, they provide a real sense of danger when attacking.

The game does an amazing job showing the growth of Lara Croft. The once fragile little young woman is quickly forced to shape into an instinctual killing machine. The trials she faces are brutal and dangerous and are made more believable by the game's beautifully realistic structure of the island and every little bit of detail put into the game.

Like I stated on my new soon to be released podcast called "Joystick Jerks," hosted by the "Toxic Network" (ToxicNetwork.net), I rated this game 9.5 pointy Madonna tits out of 10. It's a must play for anyone who loves action adventure type games such as Uncharted and Batman:  Arkham City.