Fanboys Anonymous

If there is one mainstream craze I can get behind right now it isn't zombies, it isn't pirates, and it definitely isn't the Harlem Shake. It's the surrealistic obsession (or perhaps mass realization) of the awesome power of the mustache!


Now, mustache praise certainly isn't new. Mustaches have been a symbol of power and bad-assory since the Iranian horsemen of 400BC! To this day facial hair is a symbol of power and values in modern Arabian and Slovak cultures. It's about time us Americans have caught on! And so, as a fanboy, I pay homage to the 7 greatest mustaches to grace my television screen.

Let me preface this by saying to be on this list you must be remembered for at least 1 major role on a television show, so many iconic mustaches will not be eligible. And of course, this is only this dorks opinion of the matter. We at Fanboy's Anonymous would love to hear your Top 7 and perhaps I'll do a recap based on fan votes. With all that out of the way, let us get started!




A man who has maintained his man mane deep into old age. Credit is certainly due for that. There have also been internet memes of him looking like a cat. Alliteration and rhymes will give you diabeetus.




The man had long goofy ears, buck teeth, a massive protruding chin, and a nose nearly the size of the rest of his head. Yet that wasn't even the wildest thing about his face! Nigel's ginger mustache was integral in completing his now infamous comical look. Not just for The Wild Thornberrys, but would you be able to take that man as a credible animal show host without it? I sure couldn't. Blargh!




I have to admit, this should probably be number 1 for me. It's the first mustache I remember seeing as a young lad and being like "Dang! Look at that fellas mustache!" However it is tainted by one fact: the man shaved it off!!! Why on earth would someone want to do that?? All admiration for the man was lost for me on that day. I have not been able to watch an episode of Jeopardy since. Trebek just looks like an old man now. And not a suave Sean Connery-like old man. The kind of old man that poops his pants. Yet, he has continued to prosper and remain famous despite the loss of his mustache. In fact, I cannot tell you how hard it was to find good picture of him WITH his mustache. Go ahead, try it! Image search "Alex Trebek" and see how tough it is to find a photo of him still sporting his iconic upper-lip hair.




The first time I saw it, I honestly wasn't sure if it was real or if it was a caterpillar crawling on his face. It didn't help how it danced about as the man spoke. A certainly unique look all around but once again capped off with a fantastic facial fro. Unlike our previous slot, he never changed. And we thank him for it. Thanks, Gene!




Well I'd be darn-tootily lying if I didn't say that Ned Flanders was the most friendly looking neighborino in television history. Always with a wide smile, knit sweater, and a big warm mustache to greet you. The half-circle shape is also quite impressive and pretty tough to duplicate in real life. Bless animation for allowing mustaches like this to be possible!




Just... just... the man is a sexual icon! And perhaps nothing plays a greater part in that than his picture perfect mustache. If you knew someone in the 80s/90s that grew a mustache, it's very likely they did it because of Thomas Magnum. Alas, the Selleck 'stache loses out on the number one slot only because of it being the perfect performance of a regular mustache. I prefer a little more creativity. And so...




"Dirty" Dutch Mantel is one of the most infamous names in professional wrestling. You may not have heard him talked about in the households like a Hulk Hogan or a Steve Austin, but anyone in or heavily familiar with the sport (yeah I said it!) know and recognize him instantaneously. He's been a wrestler, a booker, and perhaps is most well known (and recently seen) as a manager. In general, managing is a dead art in modern professional wrestling. So for WWE to call this guy up and bring him back to TV speaks volumes of his ability to make an unforgettable impact.

We The People... think that mustache kicks ass!

You see that man to the left? That's Jack Swagger. Or to you non-wrestling fans: nobody. Just by looking at him you can tell he's a bland as saltine crackers Gary Busey look-alike. Would you ever want to pay your hard earned money to see him involved in a Wrestlemania main event? But then you see the man to the right. Who's that character? That is Zeb Colter! He's formed the role of the Vietnam Vet (which he really is) who is angry about immigrants in America (which he also probably really is...). I'm sure none of this is shocking to you based solely on that gamy look to him.

He fits the part of a cagey redneck war veteran to a T. And yes, that mustache is the most important part. The first time you see him, you can't help but be at least intrigued by what he has to say because of the mustache alone. The power of the stache! And then, he backs the stache up! This makes Zeb Colter / "Dirty" Dutch the number 1 TV Mustache for me.



Zeb Colter's Personal YouTube Channel
So what did ya think? Who would you rather have on your list? Do you have an awesome mustache of your own to share? Show us in the comments below!