Fanboys Anonymous

The human race must be ripe for a gigantic battle royale lately, as Glamour magazine puts forth its latest list of World's Sexiest Men. Not surprisingly, they were mostly actors known for wearing tight clothing in sci-fi/superhero films, or singers known for their contributions towards global warming via absurd amounts of hairspray. Sorry, ladies, I am totally here to make fun of you!

"Hands off, bitches, this man meat's mine!"

As I read that Twilight actor-boy Robert Pattinson had lost out to Henry Cavill on a fifth year at the top of the bunny boilers' stalking favourites list, this immediately turned my attention to a disturbing trend that's arisen this year. It was a clear case of some sort of twisted love triangle in the making. People who looked like aliens versus people who portray aliens, with people who pretend to fight aliens also in the mix.

Notably, there were a few trolls in the mix. Don't ask how they got in there. Glamour as a lifestyle, and as an industry, has never made sense to me. But I'm guessing they do an actual readers' poll, as opposed to just judging their winner at the office by measuring the decibels of hysterical female journalists, tea ladies, and secretaries as they scream at photos of pretty people.

"Momma's got a damp spot for you, Henry..."

Cavill, who has divided audiences everywhere—fans of DC comics, games, telly shows like Smallville, and the Christopher Reeve movies—with his portrayal of Superman/Kal-El in Man of Steel, has nonetheless made a massive impact on both sides of the Atlantic this year. He's just so dashing and handsome, you see?! So it was a shame that he had to beat Pattinson to the punch (I'd have liked him to Superman-punch R-Patz in the head, though), because I couldn't at least say, "Suck it, America, your women love the British now!"

Anyhooo! The list went as follows (see what I mean about the aliens and trolls thing):

20.) Robert Downey Jr (fights aliens with the Avengers)

19.) Matt Smith (Dr Who is an alien, Matt Smith fittingly looks like one)

"No I don't have lube, I'm a Timelord!"

18.) Rafael Nadal (looks like an alien)

17.) Channing Tatum (steroid troll)

"NO! My talent trickled out my ear, sunk into the sand and is gone forever..."

16.) Michael Fassbender (manhandled by an alien in Prometheus)

15.) Olly Murs (has a literal troll face, seriously...)

Olly singing "Hand On Heart" for MTV.

14.) Johnny Depp (The Astronaut's Wife. Note: I don't mean Depp is an astronaut's wife)

13.) Matt Bomer (is Henry Cavill with troll hair)

12.) Ian Somerhalder (Rob Pattinson clone, also featured in Smallville, a show about Superman, an alien)

11.) Charlie Hunnam (fought aliens in Pacific Rim)

10.) Justin Bieber (human troll keyring/not a man)

Justin Bieber will be allowed his own car once he outgrows the key to his garden shed!

9.) Jamie Campbell Bower (troll)

8.) Idris Elba (always blows himself up to stop aliens from destroying humanity; i.e. Pacific Rim, Prometheus)

"Can't. Drown. Myself... Arms. Too. Big. And. Muscular..."

7.) Chris Hemsworth (Thor is considered an alien)

6.) Harry Styles (troll)

5.) Benedict Cumberbatch (plays an alien in Star Trek because he looks like one)

"I don't mean to probe, but does my alien head look big in this?"

4.) Tom Hiddleston (Loki, like his adoptive brother Thor, is an alien)

3.) Liam Hemsworth (real-life brother of a man who plays a fictional alien... IMPOSTOR!)

2.) Robert Pattinson (real life test tube experiment from troll and alien DNA)

"R-Patz phone home."

1.) Henry Cavill (Kal-El, alien from the planet Krypton)

"I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien, I'm an Englishman in the Sexy Polls."

What the hell is wrong with you, Glamour magazine? What's with the obsession with underage-looking trolls? Henry Cavill is one of few understandably attractive entries here, but out of all the men in the world, half of them clearly had a few strings pulled (G-Strings?) to get into the world's top 20. What the hell are Pattinson and the support cast of Twilight even doing here? Twilight, Kirsten Stewart, the dream is over. Johnny Depp's agent is probably calling the office to put him out of his misery.

I'm also noticing that practically every person on this list that looks like a troll/alien hybrid is actually British. That scares me. I feel like I just woke up to the same plot to take over the world as featured in John Carpenter's They Live...

"Put on the damn glasses Idris Elba, trolls all over the sexy polls!"

Sound off, Fanboys and Fangirls! Is this ridiculous, or am I ridiculous, or both? Is there anybody missing from this list? Comments below, while I go and Google pictures of boobs to feel manly again!