Fanboys Anonymous

In recent news, the long-awaited movie adaptation of Stephen King's universally loved The Dark Tower series looks as though it may not be happening…again!

"Battles that last five minutes spawn legends that live a thousand years!" - The Dark Tower

For quite some years now, fans of the hefty eight-novel pseudo-sci-fi-fantasy-horror series, and fans of the comic book series released by Marvel, have been clamoring for news of a movie (and the saga of sequels that would very likely follow). I've been one of them ever since what seemed like a massive hint appeared in Frank Darabont's spectacular adaptation of The Mist nearly seven years ago.


I'm not sure if any of you fans out there agree with me—I appreciate and therefore encourage originality in other peoples' opinions—but I was already taken aback when it turned out that Darabont himself, one of the greatest contributors to King's film credits (The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile also included), wouldn't be tasked with the mighty opportunity to produce and direct The Dark Tower.

Over the years, I followed this elusive trail of breadcrumbs, only to find that Ron Howard would be directing instead.

This wasn't the newest photo I could find but, Porn 'Tache!

Not a bad choice. Howard has directed an encyclopedia's worth of movies over the years, and many of them have been decent if not very good. He's big on drama for the most part, and he's also big on spectacle when the moment calls for it. BUT! The Dark Tower is not a family friendly series and therefore should not be a family friendly movie. This is Stephen King we're talking about, not JRR Tolkien, although Dark Tower could be the biggest and most spectacular thing since Lord of the Rings. The closest thing I could credit Howard with, in that respect, is 1988's sword and sorcery adventure Willow. Still a different kind of fantasy.

Who put Howard at the helm anyway? None other than Akiva Goldsman; the guy who wrote I Am Legend, the guy who wrote I, Robot, the guy who wrote Batman & Robin, the guy who wrote Batman Forever. By now you're remembering these films for either being poor adaptations or for being ridiculous. He's also the guy who is making I Am Legend 2 and the guy who wants to make that Patrick Swayze movie Ghost into a television series. By now you're as pissed as I originally was and should resemble this:

P.I.S.S.E.D.

Goldsman, who wrote for Howard on The DaVinci Code and its sequel Angels & Demons recently had this to say about The Dark Tower's progress:


Funny then that if you type The Dark Tower into IMDb's search bar, the name Russell Crowe appears! So does this mean the movie was in development and is now cancelled? Hollywood is a fickle town full of people very much afraid of being seen falling at the first hurdle, despite their existing achievements. So if it is cancelled, you'll hear about it in about five years' time when they pass the buck onto somebody else.

Seriously, what is it with these people? You spend how much buying the rights to a novel because you're creaming yourself over how awesome it would be if you could make a mega-successful bunch of movies, and then you sit there and do absolutely fuck all with it, because suddenly you realize that you're just not good enough? Is it that, or did you have better things to do? Oh, Ghost: The Series and I Am Legend 2: The Prequel To The Shit We Irreversibly Screwed Up Already? My bad, carry on smoking crack in the boardroom and don't mind the fans whose hopes and dreams you're wiping your arses with!

Sound off, Fanboys! Makes you wonder if they've read the damn thing. If they ever got this show off the ground, who would you want to see bringing it to life? Comments below and thanks again for reading.