Fanboys Anonymous

Welcome to the first edition of Wed, Bed, or Dead—a new segment here for Fanboys Anonymous which follows the methodology of games such as "Marry, Fuck, or Kill," also known as "Kill, Bang, Marry" or any of the other alternative names.

If you're unfamiliar with these games, here are the rules: three men or women will be pitted against each other and you are forced to place each of them into a specific category of your choosing. You cannot double up on any category, replace people, or anything else. You must pick one to "Wed" (marry), one to "Bed" (have sex with), and for "Dead" (kill)—in theory, of course.

Without further ado, let's kickstart this!



There are a few reasons why I chose these three women for my first venture into this segment. Clearly, one is that James Bond is a timely subject right now, with the release of Spectre coming soon. I've been a huge fan of the 007 franchise for a long, long time, and I've debated these questions with my friends many times. As to why these three women were chosen from the bevy of Bond girls—many of whom I'm even more attracted to—these three stand out as the most important of the series. Honey Rider was the first Bond girl, appearing in Dr. No, and many consider her the best simply by seniority. Tracy was Bond's true love, the woman he actually married in both the books and the films. Vesper Lynd is sort of a combination of the two, as she was the first Bond girl in the books, the first primary girl in the Daniel Craig reboot of the films, and she was a serious enough relationship for Bond that he was willing to walk away from MI6 to spend the rest of his life with her. If you're going to pick three women to represent the franchise, you're much better off discussing these three instead of some of the more forgettable ones like Dink, Chew Mee, and whomever that woman was in Skyfall who is literally just referred to as "Bond's lover" in the credits.

I'd have to imagine that, from Bond's perspective, the easiest one to start with is Wed: Tracy. After all, out of dozens upon dozens of women, she is the only one he's legitimately married; his marriage to Kissy Suzuki was a sham. There are multiple times where Tracy is brought up in other films to show that she's one of Bond's weak emotional subjects, which never happens with regard to other women. One of his many women who never show up again is Honey Rider, and she would probably be his Bed choice. When he sees her, you immediately can tell what he has on his mind. He gets what he wants and then she's yesterday's news. Vesper Lynd, on the other hand, is someone he gets severely attached to, and then she betrays him. Although he tries to save her life and mourns her death in Quantum of Solace, there are times in which he acts very cold with regard to her. His words at the end of Casino Royale are the perfect demonstration of his feelings: "Why should I need more time? The job's done and the bitch is dead." Ouch, man.


At the end of Quantum of Solace, he drops her necklace (an Algerian love knot—symbolism, much?) to signify that he's officially moved on. Vesper's not referenced in Skyfall. I'd assume given this game, Bond would give her the Death sentence.


For these games, I like to use a three-point criteria of Attraction, Personality and Wildcard. Attraction and Personality are pretty self-explanatory, focusing on their looks and what goes on behind the scenes. Something like their intelligence, character traits, behavioral attitude, and so forth would go under Personality, while their physical appearance and sexiness make up the bulk of Attraction. As far as Wildcard goes, those could be any other factors that take away or add to someone's appeal.

Let's start with the Death sentence. Diana Rigg, who played Tracy, is certainly not unattractive, but I think she's the least attractive of the three, which gives her a big mountain to climb. A good thing for her Wildcard is that she's rich as hell, but there are negative elements to this. The reason she has wealth is because she's a crook who comes from a crime syndicate her father, Marc-Ange Draco, runs. Teresa Draco would go on to marry Count Giulio di Vicenzo—a thief and a cheat who dies in a car crash with one of his mistresses. At the start of our story, she's not Tracy Bond, but Contessa Teresa Draco di Vicenzo, and if you think that's already enough baggage to deal with, get a load of this: we first see her attempting suicide by drowning because her child from her previous marriage has died from spinal meningitis. Holy shit, that is this a lot to deal with, particularly for someone who is such a stuck-up spoiled brat for most of the movie. She's annoying as hell at times, and although she makes up for it at other times, I know I'd never propose to her. She works for someone as damaged as James Bond, but while they have all the time in the world (figuratively, as she's only Mrs. Bond for a few hours maximum), I have all the reason in the world to call Blofeld and Irma Bunt a taxi and tell them Tracy's whereabouts.

Since Tracy has all that against her and is someone I ruled out for Wed, she had to be either Bed or Dead, but as I mentioned, the two others are more attractive to me. Bed, then, goes to Honey Rider, who is pretty unoffensive, but pretty boring as well. She is the product of an era in which the series had a more misogynist tone to it, and women were objectified more than ever. Nowadays the women have actual plots and purposes for being in the stories (thank god) as well as opportunities to show moments of heroism and intelligence. Honey Rider is literally "some hot babe" and that's it. Ursula Andress was attractive, so they cast her to look sexy and be someone who Bond could save. Her voice is dubbed over because they cared more about her looks than her acting ability. She has one of the most iconic and often replicated scenes from 007 history, where she comes out of the ocean and walks up to the beach in a white bikini with a knife attached to her hip. After that, she (by which I mean the woman who dubbed her voice) sings about mango trees—woo! Mango!—and bitches about seashells for a while before either being held captive or running around the island attempting to escape captivity. A good looking woman who has nothing to offer on the personality spectrum means she's the clear Bed option.

And then there's Vesper, the smartest of the bunch who doesn't just match wits with 007, she surpasses him. Intelligence is big for me, and when I was first watching Casino Royale, her introductory scene immediately got my attention by the way she demonstrated hers. That's not all she showed off, either; there's literally a scene dedicated to her distracting the men just because of a dress she's wearing, which speaks volumes to how attractive she is. Can you blame them?



Yes, there are some negatives, such as the whole "evil, manipulative traitor" thing. However, she does regret her actions, tries to circumvent James getting injured by all means, and only becomes aligned with the villains out of love to begin with. Her intentions are good, even if she goes about them in the entirely wrong fashion. Instead of the shower scene being about lust like it is with Sévérine in Skyfall, it's where Vesper shows her vulnerability, and I'll admit that I can fall for that from time to time.

So from my perspective, Vesper Lynd can learn what I can do with my little finger (I am hers, after all), Honey Rider can climb up my mango tree and Tracy can go hang out in that grave, but what do you think? What are your choices for Wed, Bed or Dead with these three Bond girls?

Tell us who you picked for what in the comments below as well as suggestions for the next edition!