Fanboys Anonymous

Welcome to another edition of Wed, Bed, or Dead—the Fanboys Anonymous equivalent to games such as Marry/Fuck/Kill, or "Kill, Bang, Marry" or any of those other alternative names with the same "would you rather" ranking concept.

If you're unfamiliar with these games, here are the rules: three men or women will be pitted against each other and you are forced to place each of them into a specific category of your choosing. You cannot double up on any category, replace people, or anything else. You must pick one to "Wed" (marry), one to "Bed" (have sex with), and for "Dead" (kill)—in theory, of course.



Three generations of protagonist females from the Star Wars franchise are pitted against each other in this edition to help celebrate the release of The Force Awakens, which stars the latter two of the three women. Padmé is strictly in the prequels, while Leia emerged in the original trilogy and Rey is our primary heroine going forward. All three of them avoid being damsels in distress, all are beautiful, and all are intelligent and capable, well-rounded individuals. The question, though, is how would they rank to you?


For these games, I like to use a three-point criteria of Attraction, Personality and Wildcard. Attraction and Personality are pretty self-explanatory, focusing on their looks and what goes on behind the scenes. Something like their intelligence, character traits, behavioral attitude, and so forth would go under Personality, while their physical appearance and sexiness make up the bulk of Attraction. As far as Wildcard goes, those could be any other factors that take away or add to someone's appeal.

First things first, since they're all largely positive with few negatives, I separated the one aspect that stood out to me: Leia's bitchy attitude. In A New Hope, she's established as having some behavioral traits that would get on my nerves. Despite being saved, she immediately calls Chewbacca a "walking carpet" instead of thanking him. She also falls victim to claiming that she "happens to like nice men" but clearly goes after the bad boy in Han Solo. Then again, she's all sorts of messed up for kissing her brother and then claiming in Return of the Jedi that she "always knew." Creepy. Clearly, she's not fit for the Wed option, so that leaves her with Bed or Dead, and although the slave outfit is the reason why a lot of teenage boys went through puberty, I think Natalie Portman and Daisy Ridley are more attractive. By default, Leia gets killed.

I've watched The Force Awakens twice now, so while I don't know the complete ins and outs of Rey, I think I know her well enough to be able to judge a lot of her personality. She's very honest, loyal, and kind of adorable when she puts on that helmet to just hang out and eat some dinner. On the other hand, Padmé is far from lacking in the personality department, and they're on somewhat even grounds—at least for now, until Rey is more developed. Attraction is almost a total equal washout as well. I'd lean more toward Natalie Portman than Daisy Ridley, but that might just be from having more exposure to her over the years. Both are incredibly easy on the eyes. Keeping this within the universe, Padmé has some weird-ass outfits that take away from her beauty, while Rey has that tomboyish street rat thing that works on a similar negative scale. The Wildcard factor is what makes the deciding vote for me. Padmé is royalty and such an "intoxicating" (Anakin's words) character that her death is the reason why entire star systems are destroyed in the future. Right now, Rey is great and all, but doesn't have that same effect. If I'm going to marry one of them, it's going to be Padmé, which means Rey gets the #2 spot.